day fifteen

we’re halfway there, wooooaaaah! livin’ on a prayeeeeeeeeer..

15 days into it. i could count the days where i was really tempted to smoke and it wouldn’t even bother me. i hope this isn’t me being overconfident or anything, its not what i expected. i’ve overcome most of the temptations but i would have never guessed how easy i would resist yosi during “my long hours”.

okay, so i know i made up that term right now but it’s real. the long hours are just literally times i have all by myself while every thought is racing through my mind. it happens even if there is something bothering me or not. i think some people call it brooding. whenever i have long stretches of time on my own, you bet i would find some cigarettes to smoke and let the time pass. i would just be pondering about anything. i would be sitting in my room, 2 AM, lights out and just staring at the dark. and everytime the yosi would make me more relaxed, i don’t know why. like at that peaceful time of the night, the smoke you inhale is more pure than usual. its like you dull everything around you and just be attuned to what you have inside. i guess that’s why i never considered doing drugs, it probably did the same thing and nothing better.

the hours doesn’t happen inside my room only.. long drives and long walks too. i often drive at night all alone, no matter what time. smoking a cigarette while having the road to yourself is kinda liberating. also i walk in the wee hours of the night, from ever commonwealth to our house. that is a 25 minute walk, which i have been doing since i was in high school. when i learned how to smoke, that walk would be something like a timeout and assess the day that went by. the good and the bad, disappointments, frustrations, realizations, joys and promises. a single yosi can iterate through those thoughts in a matter of seconds. in that 25-minute walk, i can smoke 2 to 3 sticks. i have no idea how it accelerates my thoughts, maybe because i breathe faster or something while being aware to the details. its a weird mixture of time, singularity and smoke. the good thing is sometimes i get to have a clear mind out of it while on the other hand i get exhausted more by the time i arrive home. its the most stupid thing, i have to smoke while i have these long hours..

last saturday, i had a long drive from bicutan going back home. the trip was really only around 45 mins but the way i think of things, it seems like it happens longer. i can’t share everything i was thinking of that night, some involve the lives of other people but i did think of stuff like my decisions to add responsibilities, if money is starting to control me, if the new england patriots can silence their critics, if Dinah Lance is good name for a girl, if i become blind what would i do, if i should prevent my eyes to go blind.. stuff like that. it may seem silly but my mind can process that fast as if it was the cure for cancer. it was that moment i realized i should be holding a stick to smoke and i didn’t and i wasn’t looking for one. i thought “is this what i would be like from now on?”.. i just came from my friend’s house, talked about a lot of serious stuff, the stuff that i usually waste a lot of brain cells on, drove home and not even thought of buying a stick. i know i should be proud of myself because i was achieving what i set out to do but i was shocked when i noticed the differences. no kaha on the seat, no lighters, no lit cigarette, no open windows, i wasn’t smoking during the long hours.

so what’s my point? i dunno. i guess yosi is something i really didn’t need at all.